you can’t go back

March 9, 2010

When you’ve hurt someone you care about deeply and that you adore, someone you’d do anything for, and they say that things would be better if you were just friends…and you know you’ve hurt them, and you can’t think of a damned thing to say in your defense…it hurts. It hurts like a thousand little cuts all over your skin. It’s like having something precious set on fire right in front of you.

The worst pain is knowing that it didn’t have to happen like that, but you were stupid. You didn’t MEAN to be thoughtless, but you were. You didn’t MEAN to be a douche, but you were. And by you, I mean, I. It tears at me, and keeps me awake at night, makes me so goddamned sad I can’t stand it. But in my bed, when I’m laying awake thinking about it, I think to myself, “I deserve to feel like this. I deserve the pain I feel.” I have no right to want to feel better, and I don’t deserve to feel better. I don’t deserve her. Hell, sometimes, I don’t think I deserve to be happy at all, because I know better. I’ve had countless friends tell me about their shitty relationships, and their shitty douche ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, and I fucking KNOW better. I was just thoughtless. All she wanted was me to be decent, and courteous. I couldn’t even get that right, even though I knew better. See, it’s different when you know it’s wrong. The fact that I didn’t mean it….I was thoughtless….but it doesn’t matter. Lack of Intent means fuck all when you’ve hurt someone.

I’m torturing myself with it. I keep thinking about her. I keep thinking about her and sometimes I can’t sleep for hours because I miss her and I want her back, and I keep remembering that she’s better off without me, and it starts all over again and I can’t sleep and it makes me crazy and sad because there’s no point in dwelling on it, but I do it anyway. I’m lonely and I’m scared, because when I was with her I felt normal, like I was a normal person, and I loved being around her and being goofy with her and singing david bowie with her.

I miss her.

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