I’m sorry

January 31, 2011

I’m sorry for eating the last of that pizza in the fridge.

I drank your last beer; sorry about that.

I also am sorry I keyed your car, knocked down your tree and pissed in the bushes beside your house during a drought. Sorry about that smell.

I’m sorry I got caught.

I’m sorry about hitting the emergency stop button in the elevator, thus making you late for work and getting you fired.

I’m sorry about that time that I smeared myself in feces, cut open your favorite down pillow, and pretended I was Frosty the Snowman. In your bed.

I’m sorry that I took the condoms in your nightstand drawer and pricked holes in the tips. Yeah, that baby may not have my eyes, but I was as much a part of his being born as you and her were.

I’m sorry about replacing all the coolwhip with watered down caulking. I didn’t even know it was possible to get it to the consistency of cool whip until I found this great website on line.

I’m sorry about pissing in your wheaties.

I’m sorry that I hit that hornets nest with the Frisbee, knocking it down not ten yards from where you were tanning in the backyard. Really, I didn’t know they were attracted to the smell of suntan lotion.

I’m sorry about that time you were on vacation, and I didn’t flush the toilet the whole week you were gone. I’m also sorry I didn’t lift the seat up that entire time. I forgot to tell you that part back then.

I’m sorry about what I put in that soda you’re drinking right now.

I’m sorry that I took all the paper clips on your desk and bent them into obscene shapes.

I’m sorry about that video of you that i posted on youtube..the one that got me banned for content…And I’m especially sorry that your mom got a link for it in one of those chain emails people send to people on their email list. In hindsight, I could have used more discretion.

I’m sorry about stealing all your shoes and burying them in the backyard.

I’m sorry I buried them in a hole next to a busted sewer line.

I’m sorry about lining your chestadrawers with tin foil, and then starting a fire. I honestly thought it would be a good way to heat the house.

I’m sorry that I’m so obsessive that I have to look at internet porn in the living room when your parents drop by to invite you to church outings. I thought they’d be okay with it since it wasn’t gay porn.

I’m sorry I emailed your parents a bunch of links for gay porn, by the way. From your email.

I am so…totally…sorry…that I dragged you out to the middle of nowhere, got a shovel out of the trunk, and made you dig a big hole. I thought it would be funny.

I’m also sorry that I left to go get cigarettes and then couldn’t find my way back to where you were.

I’m sorry you’re deathly allergic to peanut butter. Did you enjoy your nap? You know, you sleep with your mouth open.

We should probably head to the emergency room now.


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